Home   •   Inbox   •   Archive   •   tags   •   twitter   •   livejournal   •   AO3   •   Theme Credit
July 2014
30

50shadesisdomesticabuse.com:

So, here’s how Fifty Shades could have been consensual…

• If Christian had asked to meet up with Ana again at their very first encounter in his office, rather than stalking her to her workplace, without knowing whether she wanted to see him again (and, vitally, had she said yes to that request), that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had respected Ana’s wishes and stayed away, rather than tracking her phone and stalking her to the bar she was drinking in with her friends, that would have been consensual.

• If Ana hadn’t been so drunk that she passed out shortly after Christian arrived at the bar and had been sober enough to agree to being taken back to his place, that would have been consensual.

• If Ana had been conscious and sober whilst Christian undressed her and put her to bed and had she agreed to those things, that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had avoided any manipulative tactics; not played upon his abusive childhood, not warned Ana that he’d be “bad” for her, not played any kind of mind games, just been himself and given her a chance to decide whether she wanted a relationship with him and had she decided that she did, without any manipulation, that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had listened when Ana said “no” to his expensive gifts and stopped buying them so as not to make her feel uncomfortable, that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had said, “Hey, I’m into BDSM and I’d love to try it with you. Here are a couple of books I’ve taken out from the library for you to read. I can take you to a club if you like and I can give you some website addresses, where you can chat to other people in the lifestyle so you can make your mind up. And please know that I won’t force you at all; if you say no - and you have every right to - I won’t pressure you to change your mind. If we try it and you don’t like it, I won’t force you to try again…” and had Ana said yes after gaining full understanding of what she was getting into, that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had allowed Ana as much time as she liked to decide whether BDSM was for her, rather than manipulating her and playing on her emotions with his “I had a tortured childhood, I need this…” routine (and had Ana agreed to the BDSM without all of that manipulation), that would have been consensual.

• If, when Ana told Christian that she didn’t like being spanked, he had refrained from either doing it or threatening to do it, that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had taken Ana’s list of limits seriously, rather than insisting on pushing them in order to pursue his own desires, that would have been consensual.

• If, when Ana said “no” after Christian initiated sex (having turned up out of the blue after thinking that Ana was ending their relationship), Christian had stopped what he was doing, that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had explained what orgasm denial means and asked whether Ana would be okay with that, rather than confusing and upsetting her by doing it to her without permission (and, crucially, if she had agreed to it after discussing it with him), that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had insisted that Ana was sober whilst they discussed hard and soft limits, so she knew exactly what she was getting into and could logically process the information she was being bombarded with to a point where she reached clear agreement to his terms, that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had refused to lay a finger on Ana when she was too drunk to give sober agreement, that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had listened to Ana telling him that, whilst she might enjoy being dominated in the bedroom, she had no desire to be a 24/7 sub/slave and had therefore stopped trying to control what she wore, what she ate, who she saw and where she went, that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had listened to Ana’s wishes and stopped treating her like a piece of his property, that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had set clear, firm “rules” for Ana to stick to (and had she agreed to those rules), rather than constantly moving the goal posts and leaving her never sure whether her behaviour will see her “punished,” that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had listened to Ana’s request for some time and space away from him, rather than flying hundreds of miles to stalk her whilst she was visiting her mother, that would have been consensual.

• If Christian had discussed marking Ana’s body and whether she wanted that to happen (and had she agreed to it), rather than bruising her body without permission as punishment for sunbathing topless, that would have been consensual.

I could go on and on, but I think you’re probably getting the picture…

There is almost no free consent in Fifty Shades of Grey. The consent Ana gives is often the result of being given copious amounts of alcohol, or having been pressured and manipulated by Christian. At other points in the story, Christian doesn’t even make any attempt to gain Ana’s consent before he acts (such as when he stalks her, accesses her bank account and deposits money in it without her giving him the relevant information and when he chooses to ignore her concerns about certain aspects of BDSM).

Ana may be 21, EL James. But she is a deeply immature and naive 21. I would have trouble believing she was capable of consenting to things she didn’t understand even without the use of alcohol and manipulation to coerce her into it. But with those things? She’s not giving free consent. And sexual activity without full, sober consent? There’s a word for that. And it sure as Hell isn’t “hot.”

July 2014
27
Via   •   Source
July 2014
25
Via   •   Source

Anonymous asked

isn't this kink shaming

thicccc:

RAPE ISN’T A KINK RAPE ISN’T SEX RAPE IS RAPE YOU CAN’T SHAME RAPE

July 2014
25
Via   •   Source

Comic-Con 2014: Outcry, action against harassment grows 

July 2014
25
Via   •   Source

What We Can Learn From The Largest International Study On Rape That’s Been Conducted So Far 

socialrants:

  • On average, about one in four men included in the study said they had raped someone at some point in their lives. One in ten had raped someone who wasn’t their romantic partner.
  • The UN survey found that rape between married partners was more prevalent than rape among people who were not in a romantic relationship
  • Nearly half of the respondents who said they had raped at least once went on to rape multiple victims. Nearly 23 percent said they had raped two to three people, 12 percent say they had raped four to ten people, and about 4 percent said they had raped more than ten people.
  • More than half of the study’s respondents who admitted they had violated someone’s consent were teenagers when they first raped someone. Most sexual crimes recorded in the study occurred when men were between the ages of 15 and 19.
  • Among the men who acknowledged they had sexually assaulted someone else, more than 70 percent of them said they did it because of “sexual entitlement.” Forty percent said they were angry or wanted to punish the woman. About half of the men said they did not feel guilty.
  • Just 23 percent of the men who said they had raped someone had actually been imprisoned for their crimes.
July 2014
23
Via   •   Source

Comics and the language of consent

geekamazone:

CW: discussion of rape, consent, consent violation, rape tropes, sexual assault. 

#firerickremender is trending and it’s spurring me to write this piece about the dynamics of consent and the importance of writing clear, clean cut consent when it comes to sexual encounters in comics, instead of the blurred, grey area they currently use. I am not a native English speaker and I apologize for any grammatical error you might find.

I’ve seen adults (or I assume they are from their discourse) talk about the racism and sexism in Remender’s writing but without addressing how one of the target demographics might be impacted by the content of those books. 

That demographic is teenagers and tweens. I remember that I started reading comics when I was about 9 or 10 years old, and they shaped so much of my childhood. At that age, many of us are starting to question and discover our sexuality, our relationship to sex and consent, our identity, all that important stuff that will finally make us the adult that we are going to be. Puberty is about to come knocking, and our whole body and mind are shaping and adapting for it. 

This is why it is important that comics, shows, cartoons, and all the medias targeting that demographic group keep to a clear guideline as to what consent is. Grey area only confuses the teens and enables predators to prey on them with more ease. It also validates those who will choose to prey on others in the future. 

Perpetuating myths like that of the teenage temptress or that blackout drunk sex isn’t rape or traumatizing (spoiler alert, it is) are dangerous. 

Writers need to learn and invest time into what consent is and how to promote safe, sane and consensual sex in comics. 

And when it isn’t safe, sane and consensual? It needs to be called by its name: rape, sexual assault, coercion, and NOT sex. It needs to show consequences and to be addressed respectfully. 

More writers and editors need to invest in the idea that consent is clear, continuous, informed, uncoerced and between people capable of consent

More writers need to have their characters seek consent in all situations. 

More writers need to spell it out when their characters violate consent. 

A 10 years old child reading Captain America might now believe that getting your partner drunk is fine, or that teen girls lie about their age, or any of the other tropes and myths that the book perpetuates. 

Those beliefs are dangerous and harmful. That kid might go on hurting others, or being hurt, because the book failed to address how wrong that whole situation was. 

Art mirrors life, and life mirrors art. It’s a cycle. 

Writers have the power to help shape the next generation’s idea of consent. Are you ready to shoulder that responsibility, Remender? You have the power, Marvel. Show us responsibility

July 2014
23
Via   •   Source

No more silence. No more violence. #NoMore.

July 2014
18
Via   •   Source

socialnetworkhell:

"Consensual sex" is just sex. To say that implies that there is such a thing as "non consensual sex", which there isn’t. That’s rape. That is what it needs to be called. There is only sex or rape. Do not teach people that rape is just another type of sex. They are two very separate events. You wouldn’t say "breathing swimming" and "non breathing swimming", you say swimming and drowning.

July 2014
12
Via   •   Source

dinotrash:

it is really telling that when guys find out that a lot of women have sexual assault/rape experiences they think that the majority of them are LYING rather than thinking oh this is a huge issue that effects a large portion of women and makes a large group of men predators whoa

July 2014
10
Via   •   Source
#feminism   #rape culture   #fire tw   #alcohol tw   #food tw   #nsfr   
July 2014
04
Via   •   Source

mycatsneezeslikealot asked

if men and women should have equal rights then why are you against men wanting rights? feminism isn't about women being better then men is it?...

fuckyeahcourtneystodden:

im against men complaining about wanting ‘mens rights’ because it’s never about wanting anything other than to silence and talk over women.

if men’s rights activists worked to open crisis centers for male victims of abuse and survivors of sexual violence i would love that. if men’s rights activists worked toward support and parenting classes and education for single fathers that would be amazing. if men’s rights activists worked toward educating fellow men on practicing safe sex and consent i would be so on board. if men’s rights activists worked toward breaking down the chains of racism of their brothers of colour i would be so happy. if men’s rights activists advocated for anything of value i would be so down for it all.

instead men’s rights activists sit on the fucking internet talking over women and attempting to silence them and their oppression with arbitrary add-ons, bullshit about the friendzone, and useless fucking nonsense.

so no. i have zero use for men’s rights activists because it’s never about advocating for things men need and instead it’s always about making sure women shut up about what they need. they aren’t “men’s rights activists” they’re “anti women activists”. point blank.

finally feminism is not about women being better than men nor is it about being equal to men. feminism is about women being liberated from men. i have no desire to be considered “equal” to the system of power that allows men to abuse, murder, and rape us. i want liberation from patriarchy and men.

July 2014
03
Via   •   Source

foxtrotsky:

What men don’t understand is that women are FIERCELY PROTECTIVE of underage girls because we remember when we were young and some adult man made us uncomfortable or manipulated us or was inappropriate with us and we were powerless.

June 2014
30
Via   •   Source

femmefandom:

Kate and Kaya’s Super Fun Little White Lies Analysis

After analyzing the results of our survey, we found a lot of participants had issues with this song, and so we decided to take a closer look.

(Song lyrics in bold are from Little White Lies by One Direction. Italicized song lyrics are from Blurred Lines by Robin Dicke Thicke.)

June 2014
26
Via   •   Source
June 2014
23
Via   •   Source

A few months back, I was asked to participate in a debate on the topic of whether men should have to pay on dates. (I was “the feminist.”) It turned out that the male debater and I didn’t really disagree much on that topic. I said that, generally, whoever asks the other person out pays for that date, and then at some point couples generally transition into sharing costs in whatever way works for them. He was actually pretty happy to pay for first dates; he just wanted women to say thank you and to not use him. I had no problem with that.

I think he said that women should offer to pay half, knowing they’ll probably be turned down. I said, well, sometimes — but what if the other person invited you someplace really expensive? What if you agreed to a date with the guy and he spent an hour saying crazy racist shit to you and you felt like you couldn’t escape? This is what led to our real disagreement.

The male debater felt strongly that if a woman wasn’t interested in a second date, she should say so on the spot. If the man says, “Let’s do this again sometime,” the woman shouldn’t say, “Sure, great,” and then back out later. I said that that was a nice ideal, but that he should keep in mind that most women spent most of their lives living in low-level fear of physical aggression from men. I think about avoiding rape (or other violence) every time I walk home from the subway, every time there’s an unexpected knock at the door, and certainly every time I piss off an unhinged man. So, if I were on a date with a man who I felt was unbalanced, creepy, overly aggressive, or possibly violent, and he asked if I wanted to “do this again sometime,” I would say whatever I felt would avoid conflict. And then I would leave, wait awhile, and hope that letting him down politely a few days later would avoid his finding me and turning my skin into an overcoat.

The male debater was furious that I had even brought this up. He felt that the threat of violence against women was irrelevant, and that I was playing some kind of “rape card” as a debate trick. He got angrier and angrier as we argued. I also got angrier and angrier, although I worked hard to keep speaking in a calm and considered way. He was shouting and cutting me off when I tried to speak. I pointed out that the debater himself was displaying exactly the sort of behavior that would make me very uncomfortable on a date. THAT made him livid.

He then called me “passive-aggressive.”

I was genuinely taken aback. “Actually,” I said, “I call this ‘behaving myself.’” It’s a lot of work to stay calm when you’re just as furious as the other person, and that other person is shouting at you. I felt that I was acting like a grownup — at some emotional cost to myself — and I wanted credit, not insults, for being able to speak in a normal tone of voice when I was having to explain things like, “We can’t tell who the rapists are before they turn violent, so sometimes we have to be cautious with men who do not intend to harm us.”